vulnerable at best

Anonymous asked: Hey I used to like looking at your posts. Its been a long time since you made any. just wondering if everything is okay.

Oh, I had made this blog to make my main blog less personal, but after a while I kinda just stopped updating it because I guess I thought it kind-of silly. I’ve used my main blog as a diary for so long and it’s so messy and inconsistent and I just like it that way because that’s the way I am. My main blog is fancycheesesandtacodip. Maybe I’ll post here from time to time, but I really don’t see a point since I’m probably just going to reblog it from my main blog anyways. Although my personal posts are literally all over the place and I hadn’t tagged them as personal or anything so there is no way to track them unless you decide to go through my archive and take the time to find them XP I am literally all over the place, I have so many journals, notebooks, notepads, all unfinished and I have no idea what each of them contains. I recently got a new journal… I’m addicted to buying them, but never finishing them ever. So my emotions are scattered EVERYWHERE. Ugh, but my main blog has been where I consistently have put my thoughts and feelings down and I feel it should remain that way. Instead of using just another blog. I feel as if it’s just buying another pointless journal to me. I also have posts I have saved in my drafts. I’m sorry I’m just realizing now that my feelings and thoughts and emotions are literally scattered everywhere.

It never fails to hurt me when you leave. Fuck.

hungry, but i don’t want to eat.
tired, but i don’t want to sleep.
lonely, but i don’t want to weep (but i probably will).

I want to cry. I am not healthy when I’m alone.

My feelings are always a rollercoaster. Sometimes I get periods where I am okay, but then it starts again. One day I’ll be completely happy and the next morning I’d be crying my eyes out.

I said I felt secure, but the truth is I’m always scared of being left and always will be. No matter how safe I feel with someone.

I can’t be left alone with my mind.

Hey, remember that time you said I had a therapy session? Well, when is it, where? You haven’t mentioned it since.

Bringing you guys closer to me, attaching myself more, increasing the chance of getting hurt. What else is new. What else is new. The fact that it feels different now. I feel so much more secure. We are so much closer than ever before. And we all realize our mistakes and we understand we have the power to hurt each other. I care too much for you guys to let you go and I think you feel the same way.

Maybe they won’t leave this time.
Did you hear me? Maybe they won’t leave me.

When you’re so afraid of getting hurt that you feel the urge to leave before that happens, but you’re different than the others so I’m really not so sure what I should do. I know at one point this will end and maybe I dont give you enough credit but I seriously doubt you’ll care all that much. I set myself up for disaster. I’m a stupid self-destructive bitch who really doesn’t deserve anyone.
And when all of this is over, I’ll move on to someone else and it’s just a continuous line of people leaving and them not caring and leaving me heartbroken again and again and again.

I like to live in the moment. Nothing else matters but that moment. Nothing. I’m impulsive and sometimes I really like that about myself. I need to stop worrying about the future, I need to live in the present.

Trying to push away the fact that I need therapy and thinking that I could do this alone has been going on for far too long. My parents told me they got me therapy and all I could do is smile.

I’m insecure except when it comes to you. You make me feel like I’m worth something.

“Do you think I would do that to you?”

Truth is that I think you just might because people change and people leave. And that’s all there is to it.